All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
