Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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