What a fucking waste of an outfit
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
