Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You're like the curious george of whores
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
