cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
