Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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