3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Fuck appropriateness.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
