Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
