Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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