dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
