I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
