Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
