I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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