Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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