Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
