no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
