So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
