I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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