I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
