he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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