I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
