She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
