If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize