Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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