it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think my vagina is haunted
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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