he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
