If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
