my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
