We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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