Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
