I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
