Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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