that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
