My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
