My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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