You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
smell my finger.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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