there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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