the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
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We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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