I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
