Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
