I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
