i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
