Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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