You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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