The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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