so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
