Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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