I puked a lego.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
