I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize