Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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