After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
