I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
