I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
