All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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