and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
