Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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