I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize